To blog or not to blog that is the question.

So, I haven't posted since May and honestly I still don't feel like posting anything.

Why- I am a person of a  different perspective. I look at things differently. I've experienced more pain and suffering then most. I continue to experience pain and suffering on a daily basis. Now, I know what you're thinking, "everyone experiences pain and suffering", I know. Trust me I completely understand. I also understand that you are given what you can handle. And therefore surgery and 24/7 pain for me is just as bad as a broken nail to someone else.

The difference- I don't like it and I'm not going to pretend that I do. I never have a "good" day. I have better days then others but never good. Unless you count, headache, nausea and vomiting, dizziness, constant pain(everywhere), and exhaustion as good. When someone says, "life is what you make it, so make it great", or, "Life is great, so hope it lasts forever", it's horrendously heart breaking for me and feels like a slap in the face. Yes, I know some of you think that is my fault and that I can change that. Please continue on to the end of the paragraph.  When someone says, "how are you", the automatic response should be, "fine, how are you", and for some reason I can't train my self to do that. Instead it's normally a grimace and an, "I'm here". I find that people don't like any of that. They construe me as negative. People don't like negative. I don't feel that I'm negative, just different. I don't believe you choose how you feel. I believe you choose how to react to how you feel.When I got my diagnosis I was devastated there was nothing they could do to treat the actual disorder. I chose to cling the fact that I finally had a name and reason for what was wrong with me rather then wallow in the fact there was nothing anyone could do about it. I choose to let go of the heart break and sting from the slap in the face of the previous statements, rather then to hold a grudge or cry or feel guilty because I must be doing something wrong for my body to be so unhealthy and miserable. (I'm not trust me. I do everything I can, the rest is out of my control 100%)

My position- I could choose to put myself in a drugged out haze on a daily basis and decide to get out of bed twice a week. I could choose to be depressed and wonder why I'm still on this god forsaken earth on a daily basis. I could very rationally, blame my depression and drugged out haze and demobilization, if I chose to live that way, on all my disorders and pain and agony and suffering. Some, actually, 82% in my position do all of or 2 of the above. I don't however. I function to the best of my capabilities. I am in the lives of most of my nieces and nephews as the cool aunt. I have a job that I love and cherish. I make my husband food and do our laundry and keep my house as tidy as humanly possible, for me. I take care of and love and 3 dogs and a cat. I try to help my family and friends as often as possible and offer my assistance as often as possible and with pleasure. I do my best.

The outcome-  My best, apparently, isn't good enough. To just about anyone. My blog used to be a place for my perspective. My opinions, my feelings, my freedom from everything people want me to be and instead just be me. Unfortunately, that didn't last. I was told by a few people that my negativity on my blog brought them down.  I not only have my own feelings and trials but as stated by several psychologists I'm also a hyper em-path. I tend to feel the feelings of everyone I care about and I care about almost everyone. I was recently told by a friend that I came across as one of the least judgmental people she knows and therefore decided to bring a certain situation and feelings into discussions so she could get and unbiased opinion and thoughts on the matter. I love that. That makes me ecstatic that people know they can come to me and discuss things with me free of judgement and take, actually even like my opinion and take it into consideration. At the same time, I feel their pain and anguish like it was my own, along with my own. I am grateful for this. However, it gives me a different perspective, different feelings, different awareness, and usually a different opinion then most. So when a special few told me I brought them down I decided to only put positive things on my blog.  And therefore, find that I have nothing to say. You may think that's horrible, and that's okay but it's the truth. This seems to be a "negative" thing for about 90% of people.

The question- As the title says, to blog or not to blog? I'm not changing anytime soon. You may also think that is horrible. You are entitled to you opinion and I respect that. Do I go back to what my blog used to be for and have regular posts and you as my readers be glad to see regular posts from me again? Or has my break from posting been a relief to you and should I just delete my blog all together? No, in betweens. Sorry, in betweens just ends up  being the latter of the 2. You either get me as I am, or your grateful not to have to keep up with my life or listen to me anymore. Sorry no pictures.

Thing I'm doing on Youtube

Thing I'm doing on youtube. Check me out! You can also follow me on twitter. HotGirlNerd

GNN Anonymous April

So I know I missed the March meeting and no excuse is a good excuse for missing meetings. I've had a couple set backs in my nerdness recovery this month. Such as,

Yet again, my husband was my enabler for this one. When it comes to nerdness that boy is trouble but his nerdness is one of the reasons I love him. So What's a girl to do? The man has good taste for the most part. I know it's wrong of me to say since the whole point of these meetings are to learn to not to succumb to temptation but I can not wait to get my hands on the second volume of this series.

Now this one,

Was all me. My husband had nothing to do with it. This particular plot of my addiction started so many years ago. I just can't seem to let it go. I mean when I heard the words 'Buffy season 8' I thought it was too good to be true. 

Guess what?! Soooo true! The whole team is still together. Xander, Buffy, Willow, Spike, Angel, and Dawn.   Even the minor characters and old characters are included. You can't blame me for giving into temtation like this, right? I'm ashamed to say it, but season 9 starts shortly and I couldn't be more thrilled. On second thought, I am so not ashamed about this one. I mean I'm not hurting anyone else with my problem right. It's just my problem. I don't think my dogs have eaten in 3 days but they'll survive. Oh please, I can't fool you. My dogs are spoiled rotten. I promise, they still eat 3 rimes a day. Anyways, that's all I have to share for today. My is Callie and I'm a Graphic Novel Nerd!

Bigby has a play date

Bryce took Bigby to go play with a few friends today. He had a blast. When Bryce showed me the videos, the part where Bigby falls into the pool looks so quick but bryce says it felt longer.



This is Bigby playing with his older cousin Ender. I think they will be life lond friends.

bigby plays fetch

So, bryce and I got a little yellow lab this last weekend and his name is Bigby. Papered as Bigby wolf from the Fable graphic novel series. Short for the Big bad wolf. In the graphic novels he's not bad. He sweet and big and thoughtful just like our new puppy. Bigby is also very smart. He already plays fetch with us, knows the command 'sit' and he can also go out on a leash. Here he is playing fetch with me. I post a video later of him sitting for me.

I don't know about tomorrow but today....

Today I am trying not to cry.

Today I am trying not to be jealous.

Today I am trying to Love my puppies and have that be enough.

Today I am trying to not blame Adam for my pitiful existence on this earth.
Today I am trying not to blame Eve for tempting Adam.

Today I am trying to think of what I can do and not of what I can't do.

Who am I kidding? Today I am wallowing and hoping that tomorrow will be better. But I know it won't be. 

GNN Anonymous

Good morning everyone. I would like to start off today's session. 

My name is Callie and I am a Graphic Novel Nerd. It started out with just one. My husband said, " go ahead, just read it. It's fun." He gave me one that all of my favorite storybook characters from my childhood. 

Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Beauty and the Beast, Little Red Riding hood, the Big Bad wolf and even LIttle Boy Blue. 

Peter Pan, Pinochio, all kinds of your childhood favorites but now in today's time in in despair. Boy Blue became my new favorite. He's my weakness. I go days, even weeks, and then boy blue does me in. The plots are more adult. Don't judge by the first book. It's probably the worst it the series. It only gets better. 

Then my husband introduced me to a new one about a guy who can eat something and know exactly where all the ingredients came from, how they were grown, what was used to prepare them, everything. Oh The main character is also a cop. He uses his crazy skills to solve cases.  

I have to admit that it gets gross sometimes. One drop of blood in his soup turns into him arresting the chef for rape and murder. Very entertaining.  

Just when I think I'm done with Graphic Novels a new one comes along. My husband also introduced me to this one. It's more childish then the others. First part of getting better is admitting the truth right? You saw the Ironman movie and it totally rocked right? Well, the Avengers is all the good guys teaming up to save the world over and over again. It has Ironman, the Hulk, 

Captain America, Thor and others. I got into this one because major motion pictures are being made about most of these characters and I thought it would be fun to know a little more about them. The movie about Thor is coming this summer. I think Captain America is next. 

I've watched a few Avengers episodes on tv with my husband. I think I'll try to get him to come to the next GNN anonymous meeting with me. Thanks for listening my story. See you next time. Remember, the program works if you work the program.