Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Oh, how I want a baby!

       My baby, or lack there of, woes. Feel free to skip this post.

    I want a baby! I was never really sure I'd have that feeling. See, I've been an aunt since I was 8. Changing diapers, singing babies to sleep, being the fun aunt and so on and so forth. I now have 38 neices and nephews. I seem to alway be rocking gently rather then just being still. I think its from rocking so many babies. I also found out at the age of 18 that I cannot have children. I have a .02% of conceiving and then if conception happend, a .002% of keeping the baby and myself alive. That fact has never been hard for me. Until now, that is. I want brown babies. I've always wanted brown babies. So having to adopt always felt natural for me. I also have no desire, whatsoever, to pass on my particular genetics. Never have and never will. My desire to have a child started about a year and a half ago at 24 years old. I was shocked really. But I really really really want a baby.
        I had no idea how hard it would be. 3 of my coworkers are pregnant right now and that doesn't make it any easier. I also have 2 siblings who willbe trying to get pregnant in the very near future and I really want to be in on this baby round. I want my children to have cousins their age that they can go to school with and hang with at family functions just like all my other neices and nephews. The adoption process is awful and totally diheartening. It is not anywhere near like just going off birth control. And if you think morning sickness is just as bad as the process then remember, I'm pretty sure I've experienced enough sickness for 20 human beings in my lifetime. So, no I am not taking for granted the fact that with the adoption process I don't have to go through the pains of pregnancy. Do you take for granted the fact that you can use a good portion of you body's orgons while others can't? Especially the most womanly organs. The most endearing organs. If not, I don't blame you. I don't wish the feeling on anyone.
        I feel like I have no future. No ability to progress as a woman. In the state of AZ they do not sever parental rights for 15 to 18 months. So I could get a brand new baby and for 2 years there's a possibility someone could come take it from me. Or I can pay a riculous amount of money to buy myself a baby. I can't handle either of these options. And I don't see myself being able to handle these things anytime in the near, (5 years), future. It's heartbreaking. I don't think I could emotionally handle the idea of knowing that at any moment someone could come take my baby away from me. I also do not have $10,000 to $30,000 just sitting around. I would have to take out a loan. Which is an impossible probability if you know my husband at all. You see what I mean about feeling hopeless in this situation?
            I want a baby. I am 26 years old and have been married 3 years. Do you have any idea what it's like when you can't have children and then people around you, with your same beliefs, start asking why you don't have children yet? I do. It's a slap in the face. I don't blame people though. I am not the norm. Never have been the norm. Can't expect a changed behavior for just one abnormal person.
        I feel like I'm at a stand still. Like life is going but not progressing. It's an awful feeling. I want a baby. It's heartbreaking wanting something so bad and knowing it's not just beyond your reach but galaxy's away from you reach. I want to smell sweet baby smell every morning. I want to change dirty diapers. I want something to hold in my arms while I rock. I want soothe my baby to sleep witth a song. I want to wake up in the middle of the night to feed and burp and care for a tiny little human being. I want to be able to introduce  her to my family and all of her little cousins who will adore her and love her. I want my husband to be able to give his first baby blessing. I want to make burp clothes and baby quilts and decorate a nursery. It's just soooo far out of reach, It's ridiculous.  I dream of my baby and can see her sleeping face. It's cruel to wake up. If my computer could be stained by tears it would be unrecognizable.

Oh, how I want a  baby. Sorry for rambling. It was more for me then it was for you. 


harmony001 said...

I understand.

Dani said...

What about surrogacy? Have you looked into that? There was a lady I worked with WAY back in the day and her sister had a baby for her. She didn't have ovaries, so they just used her sister's egg (same genes right?!? ha) and her husband's um... guys. I've always thought that it would be the most important gift you could give to someone. I had looked into actually being a surrogate many moons ago, but I get hyper emesis with all my pregnancies so it's literally 9 months of torture.
The whole world is in debt right now... get the loan! lol