Monday, November 8, 2010

Seems I have quite a few of the things that go along with POTS

At least read the bottom paragraph if nothing else. I know posts with no pictures are boring.

Things that sometimes go along with POTS that I have,

OI-Orthostatic Intolerance. More info Here

Dysautonomia. More info Here

Vasovagal Syncope. More info Here

Orthostatic Hypotension. More info Here

And abnormal Cerebral Blood Flow (CBF). There are so many different ways to say that, that I decided not to send you to more information. You can look it up if you like. There's Cerebral hypoperfusion, Cerebral Hypofusion, Cerebral Perfusion. Plus more. So, too much confusing info if you ask me.

Sorry I haven't been posting often. I dropped my laptop and broke it. I have to use my moms. And hers doesn't have my pictures. I'm thinking of doing a giveaway for my 30,000th blog visitor. How would you like that? And what would you like the giveaway item to be?

Monday, October 25, 2010

I have a confirmed diagnosis!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's right people, it took me 2 years but they/I have finally figured out whats wrong with me. I say I because it was I who took the idea of this diagnosis to my doctor.

I have POTS. Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia syndrome. It is also known as Cronic Orthostatic Intolerance, Orthostatic tachycardia, Sympathotonic Orthostatic hypotension, Hyperdynamic beta adrenergic state, Idiopathic hypovolemia, Mitral valve prolapse syndrome, neurocirculatory asthenia, Irritable heart, soldiers heart and effort syndrome.

Symptoms are usually due to cerebral hypoperfusion. It is an autonomic nervous system disorder. The disorder is really complicated to explain because it affects so much and does so much and has such a short name. Your autonomic nerve system conrols blood and the parts of your body that control your blood. Likek blood vessels and such.

Venous function is not good. When I stand istead of my blood going where it needs to go just pools in certain parts of my body. This causes my heart rate to increase severely and also means all parts of my body do not generally get the blood supply they need. I use 3 times the energy to do anything then any healthy person. Standing to a healthy person is like jogging to a POTS patient.

Interventions that sucessfully attenuate the tachycardia do not usually bring symptomatic relief. So they can some what control this disorder but generally only the disorder and not it's symptoms.

To test for this disorder diffinitively they have to do a tilt table test. I had mine this morning, They put you on an automatic table that goes from the laying position to the standing position. They strap you in just in case you faint. If you have pots then when they put you upright your heart rate will increase by 30 beats per minute or over 120 beats per minute. They monitor you the whole time. The test is supposed to be 30 minutes because for some people it doesn't rise for about 20 minutes. In my test my heart rate went from 83 to 132 almost immediately. And they didn't even put me at the full 90 degrees, only to 70 degrees. My heart rate then went on to get as high as 186 beats per minute. If you know nothing about heart rate most people's exercise heart reate gets to about 120 and when yours reaches the 180's they generally like you to go to the  ER. My get that high from just the simple act of standing up.  They stopped my test after about 15 minutes because they didn't think my body or my heart could  handle the whole 30. It was a nightmare. I mean I knew it would be bad but it was a nightmare. I cried like a baby. Afterward the nurse said if her heart rate and body did what mine did, she'd have cried too. That made me feel a little better. The doctor prescribed a beta blocker right there on the spot which will help make sure my heart doesn't go that fast and work so hard and hopefully regulate my autonomic nervous system better. As for the symptoms there is not much to do. I am to avoid triggers and change a few habits. Unfortunately the 2 biggest triggers are heat and stand for long periods of time and unfortunately I live in Arizona and I stand all day doing hair for work.

So, my test was horrible and the last 2 years was horrible and I always felt crazy cause no one could tell me what was wrong with me. But now I have a diagnosis and I am not crazy and there is definately something very wrong with my body. Most POTS patients take 5 years to get a diagnosis and I am happy that I only took 2 and a half years. 

So I am not lazy, my body just uses 3 times the energy and that makes me tired. Any position other then sitting or laying down is difficult on my body. So there, stupid doctors and ignorant people who thought I was faking to get out of stuff or just lazy. I have POTS and it's a serious disorder. I'm thrilled. It's sad but very comforting.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

I Am Ashamed

I totally understand if you'd like to ignore me. My husband didn't even want to listen to me.

I am sometimes ashamed to call myself mormon. I am ashamed to say that I am sometimes ashamed to call myself a mormon. Most of the time when a client asks if I am mormon I say, "Yes, but I am not like most mormons. I do not feel this way because of the gospel in which I believe. Nor do I feel this way because I am ashamed of believing in Christ or what he stands for as our savior. I am ashamed because I am always or at least generally thought of as a we, in corralation with a lot of imperfect human beings out there who also call themsleves mormon, instead of an I. No, I am not perfect, or anywhere near perfect but I do have my own thoughts and my own beliefs. And I am proud of them but I may not be proud of yours. So, please, unless you are a general authority, do not ever start, end or ever make a statement of your thoughts or beliefs using the word 'we' as apposed to 'I'.  I do not appreciate it.

The 2010 October general conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints just took place. I remember hearing one speach in particular and thinking, that makes me proud to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and now just days later I am once again ashamed to be in corralation with other memeber of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. The talk of which I am happy to in corralation with is at the end of this post.

I remember hearing this talk and thinking of all the young people out there experiencing the temptation of sex before marriage. The young people who weakly succomb to that temptation and are then unable to have the joy and experience of serving a mission. I thought of the children of those young people who succomb to the very natural urge of sex before marriage who may experience the emotions of being adopted. I thought of the emotions of those young persons who have succomb to the temptation of sex before marriage and then having to deal with giving up a child. I also know the pain that my family has experienced due to a family member succombing to worldly temtation of sex before marriege. My familie's pain of having a family member who has only seen his family once or twice because his father had sex before marriage. I also remember being grateful for  one of my brothers who is such a huge example to me of what the atonement can do for a person when used. I remember being grateful to him for having that strength  to go through the repentance process and bringing an amazing woman into our family along with their wonderful children. I remember being grateful to him for having a level of strength that I am not sure I myself have and know that  I myself avoided similar  pain due to his example. I should have thanked him for that. For suffering so that I would have the opportunity of suffering less.

I heard this talk and remember thinking of all those families plagued with sex or pornography addictions and the pain they are experiencing and the pain that myself and my family experienced. I thought of the marriages and famililies torn apart by such worldly temptations. I remembered hearing the excuse, "I'm addicted it's no longer my choice", and being to so grateful for knowing with every fiber of my being that that statement is false and only something Satan so desperately wants you to believe. I thought of those marriages that have even suffered adultry and an unfaithful spouse and somehow managed to hang on to knowledge that they could be happy again. I remember be soooo eternally grateful for the knowledge that a man, who was so overcome with addiction that he once chose a computer over his youngest daughter, could once again become my loving, faithful father. I also remember hearing this talk and being so grateful and proud that because of the atonement and repentence my father and any other human being who take advantage of the atonement will eternally reside with my father in heaven.  

I remember hearig this talk and not being offended by, depressed by or hurt by the fact that I am infertal and do not posess the power to create life hear on this earth, married or not, but with still have the opportunity to raise life and the quality of life of others thanks to the gospel and the knowlede of the gospel.

I remember hearing this talk and being proud to know that right thing is to love above all else. I remembered that I do not know even one tenth of what the eternities hold and being soooooo grateful that I myself am not the one figuring everything out and doling out the judgement. I remembered being grateful for a general authority who would come out and speak about eternal hope and love with the absence of judgement thanks to the atonement. I remember hearing this talk and being grateful that I am blessed with the ability to hear the wise words of another and think of ways in which I can better myself as apposed to thinking and hearing how others should better themselves instead. I am proud to have a general authority who would come out and address in such a wide spectrum, the benefits and testimony of the atonement.

Today I am ashamed that others of my faith heard this talk and chose to change the words to serve their own purpose. Today I am ashamed that other members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latterday Saints have chosen to concentrate on how others choose to live their lives as apposed to how they live their own. Today I am ashamed to share a label with those who openly judge others and place blame on others and yet call themselves followers of Jesus Christ.

My sister once said something extremely smart and that I quote regularly. She said, "I do not think about or dwell on what goes on in other people's bedrooms so why must they dwell on what I do in my bedroom?" I myself choose to concentrate on how a person conducts him or herself on a daily basis. When I ask for help to they help or disappear? When I am crying do they wipe away the tears or walk away sick and tired of my puffy eyes? Do they defend me to those who know nothing about me or do they talk about me behind my back when I can't hear them? Do they judge me when I fall down on my fat ass or do they stretch out their hand to help me off the ground?

I was proud when I heard Boyd K. Packers talk this conference. I was proud to hear him speak of the family and the healing power of the atonement.

Today my pride has turned to shame and frustration. Frustration that some people feel the need to take something so wonderful and beautiful and taint it with their own agenda.

I would like to point out that those who believe in polygamy could take this talk and use it to benefit their cause in so many ways. Men and Women, around the world, who are infertal by now fault of their own, could have taken offence to the parts about the CREATION of life and the power to CREATE life being an essential part of the plan. Those who have had a child out of wedlock, premarital sex, experienced first hand the power of any addiction could have chosen to focus on sin and condemn themselves to the will of satan amd misery as apposed to hearing about the power of the atonement. Any weak human being can take the words of another and twist them to hurt or offend others. It takes strength and humility to find and concentrate on the words and wisdom of others ,who have experienced so much more then they, and better themselves with the knowlege and wisdom so generously shared by another.

I choose to try to stay stong and humble and apposed to weak and judgemental. I sure hope you will choose the same.

Please feel free to comment on my thoughts. Good or bad.

Here is Boyd K. Packer's actual talk.

Nowhere are the generosity and the kindness and mercy of God more manifest than in repentance.

This general conference was convened at a time when there is such confusion and such danger that our young people hardly know which way they can walk. Having been warned through the revelations that it would be this way, the prophets and apostles have always been shown what to do.

The Lord revealed to the Prophet Joseph Smith “that every man might speak in the name of God the Lord, even the Savior of the world.”1 When the keys were restored, they provided priesthood authority to be present in every home through the grandfathers, the fathers, and the sons.

Fifteen years ago, with the world in turmoil, the First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles issued “The Family: A Proclamation to the World,” the fifth proclamation in the history of the Church. It is a guide that members of the Church would do well to read and to follow.

It states in part: “We, the First Presidency and the Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, solemnly proclaim that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.”2

“The Gods went down to organize man in their own image, in the image of the Gods to form they him, male and female to form they them.

“And the Gods said: We will bless them. And . . . we will cause them to be fruitful and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it.”3

This commandment has never been rescinded.

“And we will prove them herewith, to see if they will do all things whatsoever the Lord their God shall command them.”4

It is intended that we be happy, for “men are, that they might have joy.”5

Lehi taught that men are free and must be “free . . . to act for themselves and not to be acted upon, save it be by the punishment of the law at the great and last day.”6

The old saying “The Lord is voting for me, and Lucifer is voting against me, but it is my vote that counts” describes a doctrinal certainty that our agency is more powerful than the adversary’s will. Agency is precious. We can foolishly, blindly give it away, but it cannot be forcibly taken from us.
There is also an age-old excuse: “The devil made me do it.” Not so! He can deceive you and mislead you, but he does not have the power to force you or anyone else to transgress or to keep you in transgression.

To be entrusted with the power to create life carries with it the greatest of joys and dangerous temptations. The gift of mortal life and the capacity to kindle other lives is a supernal blessing. Through the righteous exercise of this power, as in nothing else, we may come close to our Father in Heaven and experience a fulness of joy. This power is not an incidental part of the plan of happiness. It is the key—the very key.

Whether we use this power as the eternal laws require or reject its divine purpose will forever determine what we will become. “Know ye not that ye are the temple of God, and that the Spirit of God dwelleth in you?”7

There is something very liberating when an individual determines of his or her own free will to be obedient to our Father and our God and expresses that willingness to Him in prayer.

When we obey, we can enjoy these powers in the covenant of marriage. From our fountains of life will spring our children, our family. Love between husband and wife can be constant and bring fulfillment and contentment all the days of our lives.

If one is denied these blessings in mortality, the promise is that they will be provided for in the world to come.

Pure love presupposes that only after a pledge of eternal fidelity, a legal and a lawful ceremony, and ideally after the sealing ordinance in the temple, are those life-giving powers released for the full expression of love. It is to be shared only and solely between man and woman, husband and wife, with that one who is our companion forever. On this the gospel is very plain.

We are free to ignore the commandments, but when the revelations speak in such blunt terms, such as “thou shalt not,” we had better pay attention.

The adversary is jealous toward all who have power to beget life. Satan cannot beget life; he is impotent. “He seeketh that all men might be miserable like unto himself.”8 He seeks to degrade the righteous use of the life-giving powers by tempting you into immoral relationships.

The Lord used the expression “is like unto” to create an image His followers could understand, such as:

“The kingdom of heaven is like unto a merchant man.”9

“The kingdom of heaven is like unto treasure hid in a field.”10

In our day the dreadful influence of pornography is like unto a plague sweeping across the world, infecting one here and one there, relentlessly trying to invade every home, most frequently through the husband and father. The effect of this plague can be, unfortunately often is, spiritually fatal. Lucifer seeks to disrupt “the great plan of redemption,”11 “the great plan of happiness.”12

Pornography will always repel the Spirit of Christ and will interrupt the communications between our Heavenly Father and His children and disrupt the tender relationship between husband and wife.

The priesthood holds consummate power. It can protect you from the plague of pornography—and it is a plague—if you are succumbing to its influence. If one is obedient, the priesthood can show how to break a habit and even erase an addiction. Holders of the priesthood have that authority and should employ it to combat evil influences.

We raise an alarm and warn members of the Church to wake up and understand what is going on. Parents, be alert, ever watchful that this wickedness might threaten your family circle.

We teach a standard of moral conduct that will protect us from Satan’s many substitutes or counterfeits for marriage. We must understand that any persuasion to enter into any relationship that is not in harmony with the principles of the gospel must be wrong. From the Book of Mormon we learn that “wickedness never was happiness.”13

Some suppose that they were preset and cannot overcome what they feel are inborn temptations toward the impure and unnatural. Not so! Remember, God is our Heavenly Father.

Paul promised that “God . . . will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.”14 You can, if you will, break the habits and conquer an addiction and come away from that which is not worthy of any member of the Church. As Alma cautioned, we must “watch and pray continually.”15

Isaiah warned, “Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil; that put darkness for light, and light for darkness; that put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter!”16

Years ago I visited a school in Albuquerque. The teacher told me about a youngster who brought a kitten to class. As you can imagine, that disrupted everything. She had him hold the kitten up in front of the children.

It went well until one of the children asked, “Is it a boy kitty or a girl kitty?”

Not wanting to get into that lesson, the teacher said, “It doesn’t matter. It’s just a kitty.”
But they persisted. Finally, one boy raised his hand and said, “I know how you can tell.”

Resigned to face it, the teacher said, “How can you tell?”

And the student answered, “You can vote on it!”

You may laugh at this story, but if we are not alert, there are those today who not only tolerate but advocate voting to change laws that would legalize immorality, as if a vote would somehow alter the designs of God’s laws and nature. A law against nature would be impossible to enforce. For instance, what good would a vote against the law of gravity do?

There are both moral and physical laws “irrevocably decreed in heaven before the foundations of this world” that cannot be changed.17 History demonstrates over and over again that moral standards cannot be changed by battle and cannot be changed by ballot. To legalize that which is basically wrong or evil will not prevent the pain and penalties that will follow as surely as night follows day.

Regardless of the opposition, we are determined to stay on course. We will hold to the principles and laws and ordinances of the gospel. If they are misunderstood either innocently or willfully, so be it. We cannot change; we will not change the moral standard. We quickly lose our way when we disobey the laws of God. If we do not protect and foster the family, civilization and our liberties must needs perish.

“I, the Lord, am bound when ye do what I say; but when ye do not what I say, ye have no promise.”18

Every soul confined in a prison of sin, guilt, or perversion has a key to the gate. The key is labeled “repentance.” If you know how to use this key, the adversary cannot hold you. The twin principles of repentance and forgiveness exceed in strength the awesome power of the tempter. If you are bound by a habit or an addiction that is unworthy, you must stop conduct that is harmful. Angels will coach you,19 and priesthood leaders will guide you through those difficult times.

Nowhere are the generosity and the kindness and mercy of God more manifest than in repentance. Do you understand the consummate cleansing power of the Atonement made by the Son of God, our Savior, our Redeemer? He said, “I, God, have suffered these things for all, that they might not suffer if they would repent.”20 In that supernal act of love, the Savior paid the penalties for our sins so that we might not have to pay.

For those who truly desire it, there is a way back. Repentance is like unto a detergent. Even ground-in stains of sin will come out.

Priesthood holders carry with them the antidote to remove the terrible images of pornography and to wash away guilt. The priesthood has the power to unlock the influence of our habits, even to unchain from addiction, however tight the grip. It can heal over the scars of past mistakes.

I know of no more beautiful and consoling words in all of revelation than these: “Behold, he who has repented of his sins, the same is forgiven, and I, the Lord, remember them no more.”21

Sometimes, even after confession and paying penalties, the most difficult part of repentance is to forgive one’s self. You must come to know that forgiveness means forgiveness.
“As often as my people repent will I forgive them their trespasses against me.”22

President Joseph Fielding Smith told me of a repentant woman struggling to find her way out of a very immoral life. She asked him what she should do now.

In turn, he asked her to read to him from the Old Testament the account of Lot’s wife, who was turned to a pillar of salt.23 Then he asked her, “What lesson do you gain from those verses?”

She answered, “The Lord will destroy the wicked.”

“Not so!” President Smith said that the lesson for this repentant woman and for you is “Don’t look back!”24

Strangely enough, it may be that the simplest and most powerful prevention and cure for pornography, or any unclean act, is to ignore and avoid it. Delete from the mind any unworthy thought that tries to take root. Once you have decided to remain clean, you are asserting your God-given agency. And then, as President Smith counseled, “Don’t look back.”

I promise that ahead of you is peace and happiness for you and your family. The ultimate end of all activity in the Church is that a man and his wife and their children can be happy at home. And I invoke the blessings of the Lord upon you who are struggling against this terrible plague, to find the healing that is available to us in the priesthood of the Lord. I bear witness of that power in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Quick and easy but Delicious dinners.

Frist we have
Instant oatmeal cream pancakes:
1 pouch of instant oatmeal- your choice of flavor
1Cup of milk
1 lg egg
2 tsp. baking powder
1/2 Tbs. sugar
1Cup of flour
4 Tbs. melted butter
Pinch of salt.
Makes about 14 pancakes 

Yes, we eat pancakes for dinner. These were particularly delicious. Even my husband thought so.
Directions: Empty pouch of instant oatmeal in bowl(I used wild blueberry muffin flavor) And add 1 cup of milk. Let sit for about 15 minutes or until oatmeal is soft. Add the Rest of  the ingredients and make pancakes like any other pancakes. I added about 1 more Tbs of milk to thin out the batter a little.
These pancakes are super moist and fluffy and delicious. I couldn't tell a difference in texture from the oatmeal but my husband said he could in a good way. And with all the flavors of instant oatmeal there are so many possibilities. Yes I thought of this idea myself. Try  them out and tell me how it goes for you.

Then we have
Sweet and sour Chicken.
1 chicken breast cut into bite size pieces.
2T extra virgin olive oil  
1 sliced bell pepper
About 1/2 Cup thinly sliced onion
(I used a fajita vegatable package from Fresh and Easy which contains red, yellow and green bell peppers and onions. I used about half the container)
 1-8 ounce can of pinnapple
1/2 pineapple juice from can of pineapple
3/4 Cup of your favorite sweet and sour sauce. ( I bought a bottle at Fresh and easy that was hawaiian style and it was delicious)
1 tsp red pepper flakes.
makes 2 servings.

I breaded and fried my chicken pieces and the whole thing took less than an hour to make. If you don't bread and fry your chicken I think it would take less then half an hour.
To bread your chicken dip in whisked egg and dip into flour. I double dipped my pieces. Then fry in pan on stove over medium heat with Extra virgin olive oil. I remove my chicken and put them into a mesh basket to drain and stay crispy.
In pan on stove brown chicken until cooked through with the 2 Tbsp Extra virgin olive oil. Add pineapple juice and vegatables, cook until veggies are tender crisp. About 3 minutes. Then add pineapple chuncks, sweet and sour sauce and red pepper flakes. Can change the amount red pepper flakes depending on how much heat you like. 1tsp is a subtle heat. Heat through for another 2 minutes or so and serve with rice.
My husband is a huge chinese food fan and he loved this sweet and sour chicken. It was a success.

I will be posting more of these kinds of posts as I try new dishes. My hunsband said: "what made you decide to start making dinner all of a sudden?"
My response is, I am going to be raising a family, hopefully in the near future and I have decided to try new recipes that are easy, delicious, don't take more then an hour to prepare and are fairly healthy. Oh and don't leave too many dishes to be washed. And I have decide to share with you, my wonderful but non commenting blog readers. Don't worry, I love you even though you don't answer my questions sometimes.

Try these new recipe's with your family. I promise they won't disapoint.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Painting project. Sometimes I'm artisitc.

So, I've been swooning over becoming a mother for about a year now. I have her name picked out and I have the colors of her nursery picked out. Crazy right? I know. But I like to dream. I also pick up little things here and there that I want to decorate my nursery with.  I had an idea to do my own art work too. So I sketched a couple things and produced the first painting. Then I entered reality and decided to put my art work up for grabs. I am highly likely never going to be a mother. I don't want to talk about it. Thank you.

Anyways, I picked my colors when I found this awesome frame. I picked up 2 at Hobby Lobby. Teal, pink and yellow. So the painting follow those colors but would go with many others.

I can't tell you how much I adore my little painting. I didn't want cookie cutter stuff and this is what I came up with.
I was going to do a triplicate of different pictures but the same style but instead it's just going to be a twin set. Ferternal twins. The second canvas is an owl. So cute owl.
I've just starting painting it and will probably have it done by tomorrow. I'll post pictures when I'm done.
So, do you like what you see? Would you buy it? If so how much would you pay for it. I have decided to offer my painting services to you wonderful peaple and any of your friends and family. These being the first up for grabs. I'm going to ask $25 a piece for now and go from there. . These first two are 21x16. If the size is smaller, so is the price. If you'd like your own unique art work for your toddler, tween or infant's bedroom send me an email and I would be happy to discuss an arrangement with you. They would  make fantastic shower gifts and no one else in the world would own anything like it.
My email is

Sunday, September 12, 2010

When my bod hurts, when I'm puking, when I'm feeling bad.....My favorite things.

My husband. Even when he's playing a dumb computer game all day.

Baking yummy goodies.
My snuggly puppies and my pillow. Yes my pillow is like a child's blakie and no, I am not ashamed.

And making people happy by making beautiful jewelry.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Oh, how I want a baby!

       My baby, or lack there of, woes. Feel free to skip this post.

    I want a baby! I was never really sure I'd have that feeling. See, I've been an aunt since I was 8. Changing diapers, singing babies to sleep, being the fun aunt and so on and so forth. I now have 38 neices and nephews. I seem to alway be rocking gently rather then just being still. I think its from rocking so many babies. I also found out at the age of 18 that I cannot have children. I have a .02% of conceiving and then if conception happend, a .002% of keeping the baby and myself alive. That fact has never been hard for me. Until now, that is. I want brown babies. I've always wanted brown babies. So having to adopt always felt natural for me. I also have no desire, whatsoever, to pass on my particular genetics. Never have and never will. My desire to have a child started about a year and a half ago at 24 years old. I was shocked really. But I really really really want a baby.
        I had no idea how hard it would be. 3 of my coworkers are pregnant right now and that doesn't make it any easier. I also have 2 siblings who willbe trying to get pregnant in the very near future and I really want to be in on this baby round. I want my children to have cousins their age that they can go to school with and hang with at family functions just like all my other neices and nephews. The adoption process is awful and totally diheartening. It is not anywhere near like just going off birth control. And if you think morning sickness is just as bad as the process then remember, I'm pretty sure I've experienced enough sickness for 20 human beings in my lifetime. So, no I am not taking for granted the fact that with the adoption process I don't have to go through the pains of pregnancy. Do you take for granted the fact that you can use a good portion of you body's orgons while others can't? Especially the most womanly organs. The most endearing organs. If not, I don't blame you. I don't wish the feeling on anyone.
        I feel like I have no future. No ability to progress as a woman. In the state of AZ they do not sever parental rights for 15 to 18 months. So I could get a brand new baby and for 2 years there's a possibility someone could come take it from me. Or I can pay a riculous amount of money to buy myself a baby. I can't handle either of these options. And I don't see myself being able to handle these things anytime in the near, (5 years), future. It's heartbreaking. I don't think I could emotionally handle the idea of knowing that at any moment someone could come take my baby away from me. I also do not have $10,000 to $30,000 just sitting around. I would have to take out a loan. Which is an impossible probability if you know my husband at all. You see what I mean about feeling hopeless in this situation?
            I want a baby. I am 26 years old and have been married 3 years. Do you have any idea what it's like when you can't have children and then people around you, with your same beliefs, start asking why you don't have children yet? I do. It's a slap in the face. I don't blame people though. I am not the norm. Never have been the norm. Can't expect a changed behavior for just one abnormal person.
        I feel like I'm at a stand still. Like life is going but not progressing. It's an awful feeling. I want a baby. It's heartbreaking wanting something so bad and knowing it's not just beyond your reach but galaxy's away from you reach. I want to smell sweet baby smell every morning. I want to change dirty diapers. I want something to hold in my arms while I rock. I want soothe my baby to sleep witth a song. I want to wake up in the middle of the night to feed and burp and care for a tiny little human being. I want to be able to introduce  her to my family and all of her little cousins who will adore her and love her. I want my husband to be able to give his first baby blessing. I want to make burp clothes and baby quilts and decorate a nursery. It's just soooo far out of reach, It's ridiculous.  I dream of my baby and can see her sleeping face. It's cruel to wake up. If my computer could be stained by tears it would be unrecognizable.

Oh, how I want a  baby. Sorry for rambling. It was more for me then it was for you. 

Sunday, August 8, 2010

California 2010-Oh yeah, I got hit by a car

No my car did not get hit by car, I got hit by a car. So, I'm in the Walmart parking lot just minding my own business and walking to my car when a huge red truck backs into me. Hard. See no one was parked next to him so he gunned it. My hip and my shoulder felt it the most.

These pictures are about a week and a half later. I need to upload the ones from my phone.

My hip. Although darker, hurt less than my shoulder. But it probably had a bigger knot. No, I did not get his information or his license plate number. Honestly, my first thought was, "at least it wasn't the car". I was driving my sister's car. Plus, he was mexican. 

My shoulder. Totally faded. The blank spot is where he acually hit my arm. The bruising spread all around it. When I got back to the campsite I felt bad for running late. Then I said, "I go hit by a car", and my mom didn't hold it against me. I said, " it doesn't look too bad" and my mom said,
"just you wait, I think it's going to bruise all the way down your arm". Something about blood and gravity I think.
It almost made it to my elbow joint. This is toally faded. Like I said, a week and a half later. I'll post other pictures.

Anyone want to have a worst luck contest?


That's probably a good idea, cause I would totally whoop you all.

My wedding dress

So my sister went through her cclsoets and found her wedding dress so she put it on and took pictures and sent them to the family. She told the rest of us to put ours on and take pictures and share them so I did. Then I thought I'd share with you.

I think my sister is more impressive cause she had children and I haven't and never will. However. My rib cage is the biggest part of me and my dress was fitted to my ribs. Therefore, I'll probably always be able to put it on.

I still love my dress. Love love love it. Maybe one of my neices will want to wear it one day.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Beach 2010

So, this family vacation started way before I was born. My mom used to pack up all 11 of us and take us to Carlsbad state park and camp for 3 weeks. Yes, 3 weeks. My dad would join us for the last week. My parents grew up in California and love the beach and the same love was born in to the rest of us. Well, most of us. My oldest brother got married and brought his wife along. Then my oldest sister got married and brought her husband along and so on and so forth. Now about 50 of us plan a week long trip to California every year. We outgrew Carlsbad state beach and we only go for one week instead of 3. This year as I watched my neices and nephews body surf and sit out by the fire and play games I wondered if they will continue the tradition and bring their spouses and children. Technically we could get like 10-15 camp sites in the area we go to now as long as the KOA sticks around. We'll just have to see.

This is our youngest baby right now. Cassie's youngest girl, Laney. She LOVED the ocean.

Even in freezing cold, body numbing water, this girl was in the water and loving it.

I'm sure Cassie's feet went numb several times. She's get knocked over and head right back in with Cassie chasing after her.
She'd get so excited and flap her little hands in an excited dance. So cute. I have a video but I can't figure out how to upload it.

Isn't she so cute?! A bit cranky at times but super cute. She liked my flip flops.

The teen girls. I got Danica to look at me by aiming the camera and then calling her name. Smart right?

Ike, happy to be at the beach. Yes, blankies make it to the beach as well. There's still nap time you know.
Brianne with Ryker. (sp?) He was a bit sick and cranky too sometimes but so sweet. I got to hold him one day for like 3 hours and he just snuggled. I think it was a day he didn't feel well. I knew the feeling and I think we bonded over our misery.
Jannalee with Laney in the water. Giving Cassie a break from freezing feet.
So, I'm reading a book and my mom is sitting next to me and says, "is that us", while pointing out to the ocean. Normally 'us' is my brother in laws and sisters. But I looked around and noticed they  were all still on the beach. Turns out the 'us' was my nieces and nephews. Check them out. They're the little huddle of tiny black dots in the distance.
Next generation body surfers right there. Last year I saw the 12 year olds out there in the very deep water of the ocean and thought, "man, what are we thinking letting them out that far". Then I reminded myself that I've been going out that far since I was around six. My dad or a brother in law would hold me on my belly as a wave was coming and would yell, "kick kick kick kick" and that was how I learned to body surf.
And now the next generation is out there doing the same thing. I treaded water back then and I tread water now. I'm 5'2" and rarely reach the ocean floor. Beyond the break is one of my favorite places to be. Most comfortable and secure places and I am so glad that feeling and love has been passed to the next generation and I hope it continues on into the next generation.

The yearly California trip is probably my favorite thing ever. Oh, and we just sit on the beach all day. None of the, we have to be here and then we have to be there and make sure your here at this time, kind of things. We pack up lunches, cabanas, beach blankets, towels, chairs and kids and sit on the beach for about 6 hours. We read books and watch kids and snack and watch the new babies learn all the new joys that are the beach. I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!! Can't wait to pass the love onto to my own offspring. 

Monday, July 5, 2010

Strawberries and cream muffin tops

So, how many of you get a nice scrumptiously delicious muffin and only eat the top with the crumbly part? I don't. I actually enjoy the whole muffin. In fact I generally prefer the bottom part. I tend to not be the norm however. My husband especially just loves the top with crumbly stuff on top. Therefore I have been toying with the idea of Muffin Tops. That's right. Just the top part WITH the crumbly deliciousness. I am happy to say I have now PERFECTED my idea. Including the yummy crumbly deliciousness. It is my pleasure to introduce to you the Strawberries and cream Muffin tops. Ta Da!

Like I said, even the crumbly top.

It took me 3 tries to perfect this idea. First there were, blueberry white chocolate muffin tops. They were good but too big and too sweet for my taste. The consensus from my salon, however, was that they were delicious. Even the pregnant coworker who didn't like much of anything liked them. I tend to be a bit of a perfectionist though. Then I tried banana chocolate chip muffin top. That one failed miserably, but I am determined to try that one again. And then strawberries went on sale and I thought it was time to try again. I have to say that these are absolutely fabulous and sooooo scrumptious. I used strawberries but you could pretty much use any fruit.

Strawberries and Cream Muffin Tops
1/2 Cup softened Cream Cheese
6 Tablespoons of butter
2 eggs
whisk these 3 ingredients together until creamy
2 1/4 Cup flour
1 Cup sugar
1 1/2 teaspoon of Baking Powder
1 Teaspoon of Baking Soda
1 1/2 Cup chopped strawberries/blueberries/raspberries/blackberries/mix of all.
mix together thouroughly in a large bowl. Then add creamed ingredients and fold together. Add just enough milk to make all ingredients moist. Your dough will be lumpy. This is a good thing. Do not over mix.
1/8 Cup to 1/4 cup milk or evaporated milk.
CRUMBLY TOP-(I don't know how I feel about sharing this secret)
2/3 Cup white chocolate chips
2 Tablespoons butter
Melt. Start with 30 sec then stir. If not smooth heat for an additional 10 sec at a time. If it start to get grainy to not heat anymore just add flour.
3/4 cups of flour.
cut flour into butter and chocolate with knifes until crumbly.

drop muffin batter onto greased cookie sheet in 1/8 cup or 2 Tablesoon lumps. Kind of like cookies but a little bigger. Top with good amount of crumble. Bake at 350 for 15 min.

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Vintage Pearl giveaway. Hurry only 2 hours left.

There is a Vintage pear givaway on this blog that I love and adore HERE

To see more of this amazingly beautiful jewellery check it out here at Vintage Pearl

Saturday, June 19, 2010

You missed me right!? If you didn't just lie and tell me you did.

It's been a long time, I know. I'd tell you why but I'm no longer going to blog about my health. If you have an opinion on that feel free to tell me.

I have a lot to blog about but I have to pull from the pictures that are already on my laptop because my camera's battery is charging so I have to wait to upload other pictures. So here is the first of many posts in the next few days.

We shaved Donut. She was becoming increasingly matted and I didn't want to pay a groomer to pay her but my first attempt at removing her hair did not go so well. Then I had an epiphany. Let's drug her. Genious right? I  know. So I called my vet.

Me: Hi, I was wondering if I could come pick up some sedatives so I can shave my cat.

Vet Tech: Ummm... I don't think we can just give you sedatives to groom your cat.

Me: Will you ask the vet anyways. I know you give sedative for when animals fly and I've been seeing your vet for like 7 years now. Just ask him.

VT: Okay, but don't get your hopes up.


VT: Okay, the vet says you can come pick them up in about an hour.

Me: Sweet!

So, I pick up the sedatives and the lady tells me to test them on my cat first because for about 1 out of every 100 the sedative has the oposite affect. So I crushed the pill put it in some milk, sucked it into medicine giver thingy and gave it to Donut. Seriously wish I had video taped her because she was hiliarious drugged.

Her furr looks like a whole nother cat. So you know that inner eyelid that cats have?, well when donut is drugged it closes like halfway and she looks cross eyed. She also can't walk. Her feet criss cross. It's crazy funny.

Drugged, it seemed like she almost enjoyed being shaved. Zoom in on this picture and check out her eyes.

She loved having half the furr. She'd sprall out on her newly bare belly on the cold floor. You know me and Bargains. Well, I have to tell you that this cost us a grand total of $7. And I got 4 sedatives. So technically $7 for 4 grooms. That's crazy cheap and so worth it.

Unfortunately and sadly,(mostly sad for Bryce),(I'm not heartless, I just don't like getting animals in my bedroom and cat piss in my house), our Donut has gone missing. She is an inside and outside cat. She has a collar and we haven't seen her for about a week now. Bryce love love loves Donut. She's the greatest cat he's ever had. His words. So, this is goodbye to Donut. I hope some family decided she was super awesome and decided to steal her from us. That's what I tell myself. Check back for more posts.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Birthday and toes.

So it was my 26th birthday on April 18th. It was a good birthday. First my husband took me to his parents house on Saturday where I was met by birthday decorations and friends. We opened a few gifts and played some games and ate some yummy strawberry cake.
Cake made by Katie. It was very yummy!
We played Quelf. If you've never played Quelf, you must. But you must play with a fun group of friends and you all must be willing to look and sound a bit silly.
Kristen had to mummy wrap her head or pay the penalty. She totally passed the Quelf test.
Then we had to be siamese twins.
Then we had to play pattycake with Kevin as siamese twins. All in a good game of Quelf.
I also got a sweet new quilted throw from Coldwater Creek, a new DVD and Kevin got me the Buffy the Vampire Slayer graphic novel book 1. Which I then proceeded to read along with the first 6 volumes in 3 days. I'm kind of a Buffy buff. The graphic novels just carry on from the Series finale.

Then I got my big gift from my mom, which was my Baby book. Here are just a few things from that priceless gem.
My birth cerificate says Susan. My parents named me Susan not Caroline/Callie. Then when my mom realized how different Cassie and I were she decided to give us twin names. I knew  this but a piece I just learned is that they didn't change my name until my baby blessing. That's a long time.

The 4 inch height difference between Cassie and I has been there since birth.
But as seen here, it's all in her legs.
I've always closed my left eye the second I step outside.

I was super blond and my hair still is naturally blond. It's ashier and uglier though.
My first solo and my first State Queen title. Dance solo. Funny thing about this picture is that that hair is not mine. Someone walked behind me in this picture and it looks like I have long hair.
I broke my leg. Spiral broke my shin bone to be exact.
I'm in different clothes in this picture because the break was so bad they couldn't cast it. Everything had to settle first. They sent me home for 3 days 2 nights I think. It was a nightmare. I slept on my parent floor so my mom could give me pain killers and I wanted to be there. It was awful. Then I went back, they numbed my leg, moved things around and then cast it. It was bright pink. It was still a nightmare. They wanted me to put weight on it right away and I cried and cried everytime I tried. My mom set me up on the hide-a-bed in the room by the kitchen for like  a week. I ate avacado toast to my hearts desire.
Cast from toe to leg joint and I still did the splits. Dance rehearsals eventually too. Oh did I mention I broke my leg by walking down the stairs on roller blades? I really should make up a better story.

When I was 12 I got bit by a dog. His teeth his bone. Doctors in the E.R told me that if it were a person bite they'd have to amputate my leg. This was after it was stitched up. It looked worse then it was. You should have heard the comments and seen the looks from people in the E.R. 12 Year old girl with 3 gaping holes in her leg, bone easily seen and they made me wait for like 3 hours. My mom bought me cheese its from the snack machine.
And I did my toes this weekend. New asymetricle argyle. I like it.