Tuesday, July 5, 2011

To blog or not to blog that is the question.

So, I haven't posted since May and honestly I still don't feel like posting anything.

Why- I am a person of a  different perspective. I look at things differently. I've experienced more pain and suffering then most. I continue to experience pain and suffering on a daily basis. Now, I know what you're thinking, "everyone experiences pain and suffering", I know. Trust me I completely understand. I also understand that you are given what you can handle. And therefore surgery and 24/7 pain for me is just as bad as a broken nail to someone else.

The difference- I don't like it and I'm not going to pretend that I do. I never have a "good" day. I have better days then others but never good. Unless you count, headache, nausea and vomiting, dizziness, constant pain(everywhere), and exhaustion as good. When someone says, "life is what you make it, so make it great", or, "Life is great, so hope it lasts forever", it's horrendously heart breaking for me and feels like a slap in the face. Yes, I know some of you think that is my fault and that I can change that. Please continue on to the end of the paragraph.  When someone says, "how are you", the automatic response should be, "fine, how are you", and for some reason I can't train my self to do that. Instead it's normally a grimace and an, "I'm here". I find that people don't like any of that. They construe me as negative. People don't like negative. I don't feel that I'm negative, just different. I don't believe you choose how you feel. I believe you choose how to react to how you feel.When I got my diagnosis I was devastated there was nothing they could do to treat the actual disorder. I chose to cling the fact that I finally had a name and reason for what was wrong with me rather then wallow in the fact there was nothing anyone could do about it. I choose to let go of the heart break and sting from the slap in the face of the previous statements, rather then to hold a grudge or cry or feel guilty because I must be doing something wrong for my body to be so unhealthy and miserable. (I'm not trust me. I do everything I can, the rest is out of my control 100%)

My position- I could choose to put myself in a drugged out haze on a daily basis and decide to get out of bed twice a week. I could choose to be depressed and wonder why I'm still on this god forsaken earth on a daily basis. I could very rationally, blame my depression and drugged out haze and demobilization, if I chose to live that way, on all my disorders and pain and agony and suffering. Some, actually, 82% in my position do all of or 2 of the above. I don't however. I function to the best of my capabilities. I am in the lives of most of my nieces and nephews as the cool aunt. I have a job that I love and cherish. I make my husband food and do our laundry and keep my house as tidy as humanly possible, for me. I take care of and love and 3 dogs and a cat. I try to help my family and friends as often as possible and offer my assistance as often as possible and with pleasure. I do my best.

The outcome-  My best, apparently, isn't good enough. To just about anyone. My blog used to be a place for my perspective. My opinions, my feelings, my freedom from everything people want me to be and instead just be me. Unfortunately, that didn't last. I was told by a few people that my negativity on my blog brought them down.  I not only have my own feelings and trials but as stated by several psychologists I'm also a hyper em-path. I tend to feel the feelings of everyone I care about and I care about almost everyone. I was recently told by a friend that I came across as one of the least judgmental people she knows and therefore decided to bring a certain situation and feelings into discussions so she could get and unbiased opinion and thoughts on the matter. I love that. That makes me ecstatic that people know they can come to me and discuss things with me free of judgement and take, actually even like my opinion and take it into consideration. At the same time, I feel their pain and anguish like it was my own, along with my own. I am grateful for this. However, it gives me a different perspective, different feelings, different awareness, and usually a different opinion then most. So when a special few told me I brought them down I decided to only put positive things on my blog.  And therefore, find that I have nothing to say. You may think that's horrible, and that's okay but it's the truth. This seems to be a "negative" thing for about 90% of people.

The question- As the title says, to blog or not to blog? I'm not changing anytime soon. You may also think that is horrible. You are entitled to you opinion and I respect that. Do I go back to what my blog used to be for and have regular posts and you as my readers be glad to see regular posts from me again? Or has my break from posting been a relief to you and should I just delete my blog all together? No, in betweens. Sorry, in betweens just ends up  being the latter of the 2. You either get me as I am, or your grateful not to have to keep up with my life or listen to me anymore. Sorry no pictures.

7 comments:

Megan Lewis said...

Hey Callie, I read your post with interest. I of course do not know what you are going through, and am sorry I can't be more supportive. but I think the final answer for the blog is the one that I finally came up with for myself. I blog for me and when I'm pretty sure my readership is 1 that is okay because it is for me. I like to get things out and have a record of what is going on. And I decided I liked that more than I hated the part that no one was really reading it. So I write, sometimes more than others, but I write.

beth said...

Girl,
your blog is for you. Blog! You do leave yourself open for criticism when you do...but it is YOUR blog say what you want to say. The real question is "to read or not to read". That is the reader's problem not yours.

Unknown said...

I think you should post just so I know more what's going on with you. Just throw in a HotNerdGirl video from time to time to break up the monotony.

Page Traveler said...

Blog for you. If people don't like it, they don't have to read it. We all need a place to express ourselves outside of judgement and other people's opinions. You could even take the option of commenting completely off if you don't want people's negative feedback, or just delete the comments that are offensive. Good luck Callie. I don't know how you do it, but I'm proud of you for doing your best.
-Darci

Bryce Christiansen said...

Agreed, more Hot Nerd Girl.

Mike and Katie said...

No one is forced to read Callie. If they don't like it they don't have to read it. To get the thoughts out and down somewhere is more beneficial for you. Keep blogging, be yourself.

Spence said...

I knew I could count on you Bryce. The Bigby entries are the bomb too. Now if only I could figure out why my google account shows up as "Unknown". . . .
-Spencer