Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Conversation that is still bugging me.

I had a conversation the other day with my husbands brother that is still frustrating me.

He said that in his last church meeting the Bishop said that the woman in the ward were having a hard time with not being married and asked if they could think of anything they could do to help them not feel that way.

I totally understand that feeling. I was married one month short of 23 years old. I have 6 sisters and all were married by the age of 21. I felt like an old maid. I was ready to change a lot of things in order to have a better chance of getting married. Moving, changing hair, changing clothes, changing my body, all kinds of things. You see, I feel, that as woman we have very little control over whether or not we get married. It's all in the hands of the men.

My brother in law disagrees with that. He thinks it's all in our hands. We have to be happy no matter what and that means being happy alone. If we are positive then we will get married, the end. So stay positive. I disagree with this and I hate it.
Return missionaries know they can get married as soon as they are ready. For us women it is not so easy. Once we're ready the only thing we can do is try to live our lives as best we can while knowing that its second rate. Everything is second rate and marriage always stand in first place.
Why is marriage so important that we all have that as our first and foremost goal? Why did I feel old and why did I want to get married so badly? Because it a huge gospel principle and a huge part of our Heavenly Father's plan of Happiness.
Here is what Eldar Bednar had to say on the subject
Why Marriage Is Essential
In “The Family: A Proclamation to the World,” the First Presidency and Council of the Twelve Apostles proclaim “that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.” 2 This keynote sentence of the proclamation teaches us much about the doctrinal significance of marriage and emphasizes the primacy of marriage and family in the Father’s plan. Righteous marriage is a commandment and an essential step in the process of creating a loving family relationship that can be perpetuated beyond the grave.
The eternal nature and importance of marriage can be fully understood only within the overarching context of the Father’s plan for His children.
After the earth was created, Adam was placed in the Garden of Eden. Importantly, however, God said it was “not good that the man should be alone” (Gen. 2:18; Moses 3:18), and Eve became Adam’s companion and helpmeet. The unique combination of spiritual, physical, mental, and emotional capacities of both males and females were needed to implement the plan of happiness. Alone, neither the man nor the woman could fulfill the purposes of his or her creation.
By divine design, men and women are intended to progress together toward perfection and a fulness of glory. Because of their distinctive temperaments and capacities, males and females each bring to a marriage relationship unique perspectives and experiences. The man and the woman contribute differently but equally to a oneness and a unity that can be achieved in no other way. The man completes and perfects the woman and the woman completes and perfects the man as they learn from and mutually strengthen and bless each other. “Neither is the man without the woman, neither the woman without the man, in the Lord” (1 Cor. 11:11; italics added).
We strive for it because it is necessary. Could our leaders make it any clearer?
Some of the most beautiful women I know are unmarried. And yes, they are in their mid twenties and even mid Thirties. Why are they still not married? Your guess is as good as mine.
However, my opinion is that the men of my generation have lost sight of what is important and that as women we know it. Our Heavenly Father created us to be emotional and sympathetic as well and Empathetic, in order to do our jobs here on earth as caretakers of new little spirits, well. Therefore, we are emotional, sympathetic and empathetic to your XY wants and needs. And now-a-days, those wants, in particular, SUCK!!!
You can help tremendously on this front. Telling yourself that you have no effect whatsoever is just another rationalization. I do think that wallowing because you don't date or have many love interests is also just a rationalization for not up to our potential as woman, though. Yes, marriage should be your primary goal but you can do so many other things. We are brilliant, sexy, emotional, sympathetic, empathetic, strong and daughters of a Heavenly Father who loves each and every one of us more then anything else. We can do amazing things. So, even if you can't use your wifely or motherly talents just yet, that doesn't mean your other talents can't be honed and perfected.


Jen said...

I see both sides.
It's so frustrating at times for women who are doing all that they can and are still waiting around for a man to make the move.

Spence said...

This has to be one of the doctrines of your church I disagree with most. The idea that one cannot attain full salvation without being married appals me, and I think it leads a lot of young women (and young men) to marry before they're ready.

And if you don't think that there are RM's out there that struggle to find a mate, you're fooling yourself.

Callie and Bryce Christiansen said...

We do not believe that you can't reach salvation if you don't get married here on earth. That's wrong. I would disagree with that too.

jodi, making all her mormon dreams come true, at slow as molassess speed said...

Callie, my name is Jodi, I am Luke's sister. I am a 31 (2 months shy of 32) year single LDS woman and my mom read this and thought i should. Like the first commenter, I see both sides. And what I think it comes down to, from my experience is finding love for some people is really hard, and for others it's really easy (it doesn't matter if you are a boy or girl). My opinion with older singles is that we have been single for so long and "suffered" that we don't want to settle, we think we deserve the best because we have waited for so long for it. And at the same time the quality dating pool seems to be shrinking.
This makes finding exactly' what we want a bit difficult.
There are times when we blame ourselves for letting the good ones get away. Times when we blame the church for "pressuring us" to get married since we could listen. Or blame the media, men, other girls younger or hotter than us for existing, etc. But mostly, I think most singles are still full of hope that theirs is just a different time table. Most people,both men and woman, even those who complain and act depressed, still believe the mormon dream will be theirs.

Megan said...

Callie, I agree with you completely- some of the most beautiful and wonderful women I know are single, and I don't feel it's fair to judge them just because they haven't found an equally wonderful man.